I left last nights Harry Potter film with one great line ringing through my head from the film:

*  HARRY "Professor is it real or just in my head?"
*  PROF: 'Just because it it is in your head it doesn't mean is isn't real"

This so nicely and succinctly summarizes one of the core themes I have discussed in the coaching, consulting and leadership books. Although you may view the other person in a degree of delusional or self doubting fantasy. If they believe it then it may be imagined - but it is very very real to them.

This became so apparent to me this morning in a strange conversation. Most mornings I go to my local coffee shop for some peace and quiet and a nice cappuccino. For ages I have been chatting to a guy about movies, music and general stuff. Although I knew he was a traffic cop I never thought of it because he was always dressed in jeans and t shirt. But this morning he was in full uniform and with his partner.

He started chatting but all of a sudden I felt guilty and panicky. Although I had done nothing wrong (honest guv) the social conditioning from a young age kicked in and he became a powerful figure to fear rather than just a coffee buddy.

The strange thing is that at the time I knew it was a false fantasy - but like the person who fully understands that flying is safer than driving - I still adopted a belief model of subordination and defensiveness. It is like existing in two world at one time. I know the fantasy is just in my head and not a fact - but I still choose to accept the fantasy as opposed to the fact I know to be true.

The lesson is that when coaching clients, working with teams or trying to help my kids - I need to accept that what is in their head is real for them. No matter how much I try to impose a new way of thinking they have to make that choose to see the world as it is and not how they think it is.

Mick

NB The Fantasy Ladder is covered in the 7Cs of Coaching and Lead yourself books.